Millennials and phones—one of the most unfortunate combinations ever. They can’t conceive of not checking their little pocket computer every ten minutes waiting for that daily notification or two that gives them a dopamine rush.
Even more irritating is when you get into the apps they use. Good lord, are they awful. Snapchat, Vine, Tinder. All of these (((cloud-based))) apps appeal for the most part to one demographic—people whose attention spans rival that of squirrels, because they grew up lacking discipline. “Wrong, again Shankypoo. Dey akshully have a dish ardur; ess cawl’t ADHDoi, mah dude.” Yea, no—it’s called you were raised badly.
“Not true, Shank. I really have a (((mental disorder))). You’re just being mean. And knock it off with those damn parentheses and weak meta-humor.”
“I just can’t get my son to pay attention, doc. I’ve tried everything. I feel like a bad mother. Does he—perhaps need drugs?! Is he on drugs?” No, April. It looks like you hopped on the stick and just cranked one out. I guess rebelling against your conservative father wasn’t such an adult decision after all, huh? Because now, you’ve started playing a game that you cannot turn off, nor can you afford to lose for the consequences are dire, in that–you’re assisting in the degeneration of society by producing a dysfunctional human.
Back to roasting millennials and their phone fetishes; is there anything that millennials by in large—do? Other than being mildly coherent with modern technology and being able to assist grandpa with searching for something on “the Google”. I’m not trying to be a dick. I genuinely can’t think of anything that most millennials do, whether it’s fishing, hunting, hiking, mountain climbing, skydiving, traveling, playing sports. And of course they do these things; but I don’t trust their sincerity in doing them. Most of them seem to just be obeying. Like, “yea, I fish—every now and then, so my folks don’t think I’m a basement-dweller.”
I see a lot of millennials just blindly following the paths that their parents and other authority figures suggest for them and it makes them miserable; but they can’t see it, because most of them don’t think for themselves. Not because they value their parents’ guidance if they’re even getting any. But because they’re constantly on their electronics and constantly getting a non-stop stream of daily, if not hourly content tethered to their every whim and desire (positive feedback loops). They don’t feel the need most of the time to think for themselves. The (((cloud))) thinks for them.
Vine is seriously one of the most degenerate apps that exist today. I know I’m about to sound like a total grandpa right now, but seriously. Who came up with this shit? It’s an app that lets you create 7 second videos. Why not simply turn on your camera for seven seconds? And why seven seconds? I understand that online video databases that are just starting out probably have some incentive to put at least a ten minute limit per video. But, seven seconds? That’s absurd.
And don’t even get me started on the fucking repetition; the way it cycles the same clip over and over and over again until you move onto the next one. When I’m near someone blasting this garbage, I just want to grab them by their necks and squeeze the lack of self-awareness the hell right out of them. Is your brain really that useless, that you can’t grasp how annoying that is? Even to other Viners—that is annoying.
That’s what it all comes down to for me. The noise. Phones are meant to be talked into–away from anyone who is not involved in your, say it with me—your conversation. They’re not meant for noise to coming out of them through your speaker everywhere you go, especially in areas where it ought to be maybe sorta quiet, like–in someone’s house when you’re “hanging out with them”, you uncivilized gorillas with your pal robots. Go home and shove those artificially “intelligent” dildos up your asses.